Relapse

I was doing well and then something so small set me off. I miss him more now than I have for weeks. this feeling rivals those of months past. I love him in a needy sort of way. I know I don't love him in a healthy way nor a sane way, but my body knows what it misses and it's the simplicity of holding each other. Beyond that, I know he's a mess and that I am happier now and all is well.

but it came back full force, my lizard brain determined to keep me hooked on this need for him. cruel nature.

why is this built into our systems, this heartache? it must be so unnatural to break up. in the animal kingdom, I don't recall ever hearing about doves moving out and keeping the kids.

I just want a fun, honest life filled with friends, kinky sex and safety. Is that so much to want?

I'm not ready for someone new. The frost has not killed the old love in my heart, and so spring with another must come later. Now is the autumn of my love for him, but this Indian summer may last a lifetime. No one can never tell how much of one's life is spent longing for that person.

will I ever be with someone who feels so darn right, and makes me feel so blissfully safe that I just know they're the one? last week it felt like the world was my oyster. This moment, it feels like never again will I know this kind of love.

For certain, I have had a relapse.