Monday, September 8, 2008


I was doing well and then something so small set me off. I miss him more now than I have for weeks. this feeling rivals those of months past. I love him in a needy sort of way. I know I don't love him in a healthy way nor a sane way, but my body knows what it misses and it's the simplicity of holding each other. Beyond that, I know he's a mess and that I am happier now and all is well.

but it came back full force, my lizard brain determined to keep me hooked on this need for him. cruel nature.

why is this built into our systems, this heartache? it must be so unnatural to break up. in the animal kingdom, I don't recall ever hearing about doves moving out and keeping the kids.

I just want a fun, honest life filled with friends, kinky sex and safety. Is that so much to want?

I'm not ready for someone new. The frost has not killed the old love in my heart, and so spring with another must come later. Now is the autumn of my love for him, but this Indian summer may last a lifetime. No one can never tell how much of one's life is spent longing for that person.

will I ever be with someone who feels so darn right, and makes me feel so blissfully safe that I just know they're the one? last week it felt like the world was my oyster. This moment, it feels like never again will I know this kind of love.

For certain, I have had a relapse.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Because of a Man?

I have been suffering the slow healing process of a broken heart. Funny how an emotional wound like this can feel just like a real one, post-op. It happened at the end of May, but since then we have been doing the break up tango, and all it does is put tension at the scabs.

I'm leaving town for a road trip that will last me over two months. I will write about it later, and there are many reasons, but the question has been brought up, is it because of him?

My first, second and third thought is no. But I woke up this morning and felt the old pain coming back and I need to write it out. Or walk off the pain, as coaches in football say.

I'm tired of the B.S. of this town and industry I work in. I'm tired of my family and their constant dysfunction I have to combat with my paltry mind-armor. I'm tired of not having a steady job and hustling for ones I don't even want.

And now that I'm super single for the first time, it has given me a new vantage point to look at my world from. Turns out I've always looked at the world from the where my significant other has stood, be it in the canyons, the valleys or the local watering hole.

As the haze of my vulnerability has lifted, I see now that MY vantage point is on a beautiful grassy hill overlooking my city, and I do not like what I see. So I pack my bags to go.

But I wake up today and that pain is there. What was once a great avalanche of sorrow is now summed up in an annoying itchy stitched up wound half way to healing. So I am not leaving because of him. And I don't even know if it will make it easier or harder to heal being away from him. And the fear of losing what we still have, our odd formed post-op friendship, is there. And what of another girl he might call his own when I come back? I accept this, but it would be a strange homecoming.

But that is about the sum of my worry. Beyond that, I am glad to get away. To take care of myself only, to appreciate this life-long love affair I am having with myself.

So I take pride in shelving my hurt, putting it in its place, along side all the other pieces of me either understood on their shelves, or scattered around the room of my mind, still waiting to be picked up.

It's spring cleaning time. Even if it is fall. I raise my glass to myself, finally, instead of always to someone else.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Warm Up

I want this blog to be completely anonymous. This is my first blog, and more than anything, a test.

My blog is to let out my exasperation at what I have found myself in: the human condition. My particular brand of human leads me to know inherently that my blog posts will most likely be about:

Stupid People
Information I feel people should know

It's nice to meet you,

The Quiet One